The security that never was

I am alone.
That is painstakingly obvious in this day and age. Sometimes I would like to think that there is always someone there for me.. some one to talk to and be there. There isn't. Damien tries but how available are you if you are in bloody England?!? Not very. I believe in him and what he does but right now I need someone who is there for me every part of my life which is much but he understands. Kiara needed the same thing and when she left him to be alone, that was when she kinda.. died. I know that he doesn't want the same thing to happen to me. If he leaves me alone for too long. I think he still finds himself at fault for Kiara's death although he had nothing to do with it. Kiara was hit by a car by a drunken driver on her way back to their flat. Kiara had internal bleeding and she died. When Damien called me to tell me, I think that was the first time in a long time that I had heard Damien cry. The last time he had cried was when he found out that Jaime wasn't his father and the truth behind his mother. I know that he is having a hard time right now. Even harder than me. A couple nights ago I found a bunch of my confirmation letters, the letters that people had sent me for when I was confirmed. Damien's actually brought me to tears. This one section haunts me.
"... when worse comes to worse... when love comes to love.. i will be there for you till the very end. I love you Sierra Catherine and you are the reason I am who I am and why I am so happy..."
I cried and I cried. How could he say something like that when I have not been as amazing of a friend to him. And as I look now at the last couple of weeks, I haven't been a friend to Damien, let alone a best friend. I have a lot on my mind but I need to help him more than myself. After all he has done for me... he needs me right now. Like who was there when Chris broke my heart.. Damien. Who was there when my aunt died.. Damien. Who was there when nothing made sense and I almost went suicidal.. Damien. So now that his girlfriend is gone... his dad is not is dad... everything.. is just not right.. he needs me.. and I am going to be there for him =]
peace out,
sierra catherine.

isn't it ironic

i always find it weird that the best time to blog is when your in a melodramatical state that causes you to talk like you have ADD or something and your life is equivalent to shit covered shit... or cafeteria food.. which ever is more convenient.
Yeah last night was a heinous night. i can't even say it was a bad night because saying it was a bad night would require that I didn't wake up this morning with some oddly out of place suicidal thoughts. And of course a boy had to be involved.
I am one of those people. Those people who crush on people everyday, some one new but when it lasts for more than a day.. it gets really bad. So I started to like this guy, let's call him Josh. So Josh is a sweet kid. I love this kid with all my heart in a friendy way. Until yesterday when I discovered maybe I like this Josh. Now I had just gotten over this intense rejection from this junior i know and you're probably like, "Oh god.." but I all I thought of was this guy all during classes and by the end of the day I was so set on going out with him.
But last night I was also set on going to a football game with some of my friends from middle school or going to chili's with my new friends. Nothing happened.
I didn't go out because my parents wanted my math test which by oh by the way, I failed. They are going ot kill me when they find out. I am never going to be able to go out ever again. Then on top of that, I found out Josh has a girlfriend... he's had one for a year. I was on the fucking brink of insanity like nothing was going to go the way I wanted it and I just wanted to die.
Then this morning my best friend Meg called and tells me that she has found this wonderful and that they are going out on a date Sunday. Which I am so happy for her for because she has needed a guy like this for so long and she deserves it but at the same time I am like, "WTF? why the hell is everyone else so goddamn happy and I am fucking miserable." I am so upset and confused and I have no idea but it really bothers me. And at the rate things are going in my life, happiness is a long time away.

LIZZE WATCHES PORN

Lolz. Not really.. I mean jeez. It is really amusing how my friends come up with weird shit like that. Anyway, in the mean time and between time, I am going to sit on my duff and pretend that I am doing something of use.
Ohmigod.
Mike Pesch has a girlfriend and she kisses him
My day has been ruined.
i mean mike pesch has a girlfriend and I don't have a consistant boyfriend..
Good lord..

Get a Life, loser

a lovely quote by dear dear pooja. who felt free to insult me while illegally logging in to my blog while in photography while in school while i am failing math and my mom needs to sign the paper that signs away the fact that i am indeed failing in school and that i am as a matter of fact am indeed failing math and passing every other class. THIS CAN NOT GO ON..
well it could but i won't let it.
i mean..
i do want to go to Ryerson University and if I want to get in. i need to continue this. I am not going to fail out of my classes. I need to get serious. For real.. I have been working on field hockey and now I must juggle school to go with it. Now it is seriously time for me to get serious about high school.. this is no Mr.Kusch class.. tee hee
there is no alex gallo to guide me..
There is only Mike Wheaton, Pat Travis (who drew on my hand in highlighter today in spanish!!) and my dearly beloveds Maurice, Pooja, Christel, Lizze and Nicole to guide me through this heinous chapter in the chronicles of sierra de groot.
sigh..
back to photography..
shhh... if anyone asks i was doing lighting =]

Hell has arrived..

tomorrow at 8 am, I will running my ass off around middletown. i mean jesus. Good lord. I am not capable of waking up that early and on my last day before going to school on thursday in which i tell you is no fucking picnic. I am so sorry that i am cursing corrupting the minds of the people reading. but i am in no mood to deal like this. my boyfriend is MIA. my diving board is broken in two pieces... okay that part was fun. Yeah yesterday i had a party and all of my mad awesome friends came over and we all had fun and stuff happened and we broke my diving board and spray painted it. It was awesome. But that still does not make up for the fact dylan is nowhere to be found. Fuck. God, I continue to corrupt the minds of my readers. I am sorry once again. You know what? I am done for today. I am getting off..